The Week in Trailers 29.11.13


Welcome to The Week in Trailers, which will probably fill you with joy if you’re a Van Damme fan, because, holy hell, there were two trailers released this week in which he does, fear not, throw a few punches and more than a few kicks. If, however, Van Damme is not the guy to get you pulling muscles, there’s also Schwarzenegger, Worthington and Manganiello, all of whom combined have more syllables in their surnames than muscles in their torsos. Or do they? Then there’s Vanessa Hudgens – who isn’t a man – playing what I thought for the first 20 seconds was a man, but then that man was pregnant and that doesn’t happen unless you’re Schwarzenegger in Twins. And now I feel like we’re going in loops. So, in summary, what we have this week is not unlike a tradie’s work party: a complete sausage fest. All male directors, all male narrators and predominantly male actors. Note that the one film where the majority of the cast are female is quite literally about killing each other.

Are trailers sexist? Somebody, stop them!

- ’til next week.

A Haunted House 2
Just in case there weren’t already enough, here’s another cheap, nasty movie about a haunted house, in which the following are employed:
- black stereotyping
- white stereotyping
- Mexican stereotyping
- religious stereotyping
- ghost stereotyping
… and more! Directed by Michael Tiddes, and starring Marlon Wayans, who, apparently, cannot put Scary Movie(s) behind him.

Something about this is terrible, but something about this – and I already regret saying this – works. Maybe it’s that the whole thing is consistently silly, cast included. Yes, consistency. That has to be it. Directed by David Ayer, starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sam Worthington, Joe Manganiello, Terrence Howard and whoever else thought this was a good idea at the time.

Each week, if you’re thorough, you’ll find there’s one trailer for a film with a premise so peculiar that you can’t help but stop and ask yourself: do I really enjoy film? This is one. Directed by Josh C. Waller.

Gimme Shelter
Directed by Ron Krauss, Gimme Shelter has a surprising trailer for one reason, really: Vanessa Hudgen‘s performance looks genuinely great. Outside of that, it does, unfortunately, and like every other trailer, give away the entire storyline without fail.

Welcome to the Jungle
If you think you saw this film coming, you’re a liar. A really bad one, because who, even in their dreams, would have thought to put Seth Cohen, Jean-Claude Van Damme and a collection of no-ones on an island to re-enact Lost? Rob Meltzer, that’s the answer. Rob Meltzer.

Son of God
The title is literal, and the film is a literal interpretation of the Bible, but film is art, and art is rarely literal, so where will this film end up? In the briefcase of an RE teacher, until it is replaced by yet another literal adaptation. I’m not even a clairvoyant. Directed by Christopher Spencer.

Enemies Closer
Just like Steven Segal, Jean-Claude Van Damme (no, it’s not deja-vu – yes, he is in two trailers this week, I’m as bemused as you are), has somewhat of a cult following. And for almost this reason alone, seeing him play a villain is terribly exciting. Don’t, otherwise, worry. Directed by Peter Hyams.

Island of Lemurs: Madagascar
It’s true what they say about Morgan Freeman‘s voice making everything better, but in the case of Island of Lemurs: Madagascar, things were pretty great anyway. Nevertheless, if you’ve indulged in a little too much Attenboroughlately, and you’re in need of narration alteration, this is perfect. Documentary by David Douglas.

I'm listening to Roxy Music's 'Avalon' right now, and worrying how that might influence a self-written portrayal of myself. As a result, I'm keeping things simple: writer, reader, watcher, skeptic. I like questions more than answers. Too mysterious? I promise I don't listen to Roxy Music often.

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